5 Things Leaving A Toxic Relationship Taught Me
We have all been in it, some of us are guilty of being the “perpetrator”. Yes, you know what I’m talking about — toxic relationships.
A toxic relationship can be hard to recognize at first, then the manipulation, the taking things for granted and somewhat “psychotic” behavior comes along. It’s a continuous situation until one party snaps from balling up of all the emotions.
From my experience, here are the five most important things I learned after leaving a toxic relationship:
- Love yourself before you love someone else.
I was broken when I met my ex girlfriend. I had zero self-love and a severely low self-esteem. There was a constant fear that without this person I love, I am nothing. I thought about love like it was a saving grace, dramatic but true. I was romanticizing about romance and I imagined a perfect life with the love of my life, “love is suppose to be easy” — the thought I constantly had when I was in said relationship. However, I became self-aware of the fact that I allowed certain situations to happen because I did not love myself enough to stop the vicious cycle.
When you love yourself, you will know when it is a toxic relationship because you already know your worth and the relationship is not worth the sleepless and teary nights, it is not worth the self-doubt thoughts at 2am. It is just not worth it. You will know when to stop and say “Thats enough, I’m done.”
You learn to concentrate on yourself. You no longer put your dreams on hold because someone told you “that’s a stupid dream” or “you’ll never get there without my help”. Sometimes, toxic relationships tend to convince us that we can no longer do the things we love or enjoy.
Instead, you learn to love yourself in ways that no one else can love you.
2. Sometimes love just isn’t enough.
Maybe it’s from all the exposure to mainstream media of sappy romantic films since I was young, I always imagined the first time I fell in “love” with someone to be magical and that I can love that special someone through all their emotional turmoil, the good & the bad & the ugly. I always thought that love will always be enough. But the truth is, sometimes love is not enough. And that’s entirely okay. Everything is ever-changing and life is unpredictable.
Love is not being okay with physical abuse and allowing it to happen again and again. Love is not apologizing all the time for being yourself. Love is not settling for less. Love is not second-guessing if you are a good person or not.
3. Walking away is not selfish.
You were not made to be a fixer, you don’t have to take the whole weight of the relationship on your shoulders. It is not selfish to think for your own personal happiness and your own personal happiness should not come from whether or not your partner is happy.
Walking away means you realize that you deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved deeply. You deserve to be told that you’re beautiful every day. You deserve to feel any emotions that you wish to feel. You deserve something more than this. You deserve to be free.
4. Your mental health matters.
2019 was a difficult year for me because my maternal grandfather passed away in April. I was in the worst state of mind that I could possibly be in. We were very close, and I was not able to deal with the sense of loss and grieve I was feeling for a few months, coupled with the need to pretend to be “okay” just so I didn’t have to worry anyone. My mental health took a dip. I wasn’t sleeping or eating well. I skipped meals most of the time because I just didn’t have an appetite. I felt like crying the moment I woke up (and on some days I did too)
What made matters worse was the lack of support I got and the dismissive attitude I got when I told my partner that I was looking at speaking to a therapist. “But nothing even happened.” was their response. I was unhappy, I found more reasons to hate my physical outlook, I didn’t want to live. But I am so thankful that I am alive and breathing. I am beyond elated that I am 25.
I discovered some deep-rooted issues in myself which led to me being more vocal about how I feel. I learnt to take a step back and to re-evaluate. After the break-up, I surrounded myself with the people I haven’t connected with but love me for who I am. I listened to the most basic songs and sang my heart out. I got that tattoo of my grandfather that I have always wanted to get. I started doing things for myself and it feels so good.
TLDR: NEVER invalidate your feelings, your heart tells you much more than your brain.
5. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
We are merely humans. We make mistakes, we fall, we mess up then we get up and be the best version of ourselves. The most important thing is that we learn from the mistakes we made and be self-aware of the toxic traits that we may possess too. We are all learning, we are all growing and that is the very least we owe to ourselves.
I am a work in progress and that is okay.
